Social Gatherings

Social Gatherings 

J.R. Hartley

I begin as i mean to go on, an avid avoider of the vast majority of social gatherings, tonight found me placed in a rather awkward party as such, i was found at 3 pm in my House coat, slippers and with a glass of vodka in my hand, only just able to stammer out the line, "what do you want i have only just gotten up" i was corralled into attending their party for a milestone age,- lets call them Alex for now, a Unisex name as i do not wish to give away who he or she maybe- So Alex got me to attend.

Right so there were going to be women there, possibly some i already knew so i couldn't turn up in my finest House coat, So i had a shower put on some nice jeans and a suit jacket, had a shave, filled my hip flask and off i popped, oh how wrong i was, yes there were women there, and yes it was a party. the women were in their 40's and the other guests were all relations of my friend, Never-mind  i had an OK time anyway but nonetheless It was a family gathering!!! 

And that brings me to my point, how awful i am at Social Gatherings and how Dislike them so, whether they be a drunken teenage party, or an after party at a wedding or funeral, i fit into none of them! Firstly the most common gathering for people my age is a 'house party' yes, the house party, provided i get invited that is, upon turning up you either arrive too early or too late, these can be volatile situations, if arriving too early you only you and the host are present, it can become awkward, however arrive too late and you have missed the important greetings and getting to know everyone there before they're too drunk to tell you their name, That brings me to the second complaint about the house party, the music! its either the uk top 40 belting out or some fad i do not understand, it is hardly appropriate either to stop the music and start playing my Glenn Miller Jazz records or Dion is it!

The other gathering i can think of is the family kind, now not being able to comment on every family  from Skegness to Southampton i shall only be able to talk about my own experiences. with every family gathering comes one key factor that can make or break a family gathering, that factor is, will alcohol be available or not it will either be a drab occasion where everyone exchanges the odd bit of conversation and i sit there thoroughly bored or run ragged by my younger family members! the other being a great big old Scottish punch up where everyone gets absolutely smashed and the ladies go home covered in tears and the men go home covered in blood, and the children go home well with another family member! one so sensible not to drink! 

I could rant on all day about how social gatherings are not becomming to me but i shall not! bring back the old Bath and bottle party, where people would go to great vast imperial British swimming baths buildings get very drunk and then be driven around London in Rolls-Royce's to other Bath and bottle parties to do treasure hunts! oh how great!